I find myself often in what I would call the desert or valleys of the soul
I'm sure you know these moments as well. The moments when everything you normally love and enjoy does nothing to make you feel alive, at it times it makes you feel even worse. The moments when no matter how much you try to get a hold of God he seems to be miles away and avoiding answering his cell phone. I had one of these just a few weeks back.
I would be at work trying to hear from God the whole day
I would come home and listen to worship music and read my Bible and do all the things that a "good Christian" is suppose to do in order to encounter God. But yet God seems to stay far off. As I run from one random activity, who's goal is to encounter God, he seems to run away from me as I seek to find him in the places that "good Christians" are meant to find God. As I do the religions things that are meant to lead me to God I find that God often stays far off.
So let me tell you about a time like this when God seemed far off
It was a Monday morning, a time of great darkness anyways, and I was struggling with what God's will was for my life. I remember being at work feeling like all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I remember cleaning a car, because that's what I do, and at one point yelling at God "What the F*** are you doing with my life???" because I was so lost as to what God's will was for my life. I remember feeling pretty close at times to quitting my job, dropping out of school and running away to be a sailor. (I have no desire to ever be a sailor, just using that to make a point.) I remember this lasted till Wednesday evening. I tried and tried to find God in all the "right" places. I sat through Wednesday Morning prayer with four other, awesome, Christian men praying all the right things and all that Jazz. I read my Bible and prayed non-stop.
But the way I finally experienced God was in the place no "good Christian" wants to be
It was in the place that many Churches today will speak messages about how to avoid this place. A place that I try to find my way out of as fast as possible. This place is at the hottest, driest, most barren place in that desert of the soul. And even worse than that it was in the place where I sat down and give up. I turned away from God. I said "God, I am broke and undeserving of you at so I am leaving you." It was in that moment when I heard God speak for the first time in days. It was in that moment when Aslan breathed new life into my bones. It was in that moment that, if only for a moment, I knew that Jesus was sitting on the couch next time me saying "Adam, You are greatly loved and I never left you I was simply waiting for you to stop talking and working and doing more stuff and sit down next to me in this desert".And this is when I figured something out about God or at the very least the way I experience God.
I have figured out that meeting God is not about what I do or say
It isn't about being a "good Christian". Or listening to great worship music. Or praying the right prayer. Or even going to Church. Meeting God is, often, not about mountain top experiences and conferences meant to show us steps to a happy Christian life. Its not about any of these things. Experiencing God is about something much simpler.
Its about the way he moves..
Experiencing God is in the way he moves
Its in the way he holds my heart
Its in the way he speaks to me gently
Its in the way he holds my hand
Its in the way he lets me yell at him
Its in the way he allows me time to find my way to the ground
Its in the way he bends down to the ground to speak to me
Its in the way he walks through the desert for 40 days or 40 years to tell me I am loved
Its in the way he speaks as all hope is lost
Its in the way he walk through the pain with me
Its in the way he says I love you
Its in the way he is all at once next to me whispering in my ear
Its in the way he is all at once silent
Its in the way he listens to every word I say
Its in the way he needs only say a few words
Its in the way he speaks and I know it was him
Its in the way he waits for me to slow down
Its in the way he doesn't allow me to avoid pain
Its in the way he says not what I want to hear but what I need to hear
Its in the way he could shout over it all
Its in the way he doesn't shout but whispers
Its in the way he waits for me to find a place of intimacy and openness
Its in the way he carriers Living Water to me when I am in deepest need
Its in the way he knows my name
Its in the way he knows my deepest, darkest, secrets and yet still loves me
Its in the way he wants a relationship with me not a religion
Its in the way he says I LOVE you
Its in the way he sets me back on my feet
Its in the way he says follow me
Its in the way he says I LOVE YOU
Experiencing a relationship with God is never about doing the right thing
Experiencing a relationship with God is about sitting down with him until he tells you to get up and follow him. A relationship with God is about intimacy and moments of brokenness. A relationship with God is about giving up the idea of being a "good Christian" and just laying down next to an amazing Savior until he tells you to get up and follow him. Experiencing a relationship with God is about living out a relationship not a set of rights and wrongs.
How do you find God speaking to you? Does it ever seem like God speaks to you when all hope is lost?
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