The Church and Relationships Bug me!

[This is the third post in what ended up becoming a series, even though I never planned no writing a series of any kind.... but here it is, hopefully the last post in the series of things that Bug Me About Relationships. Here is the first one And here is number two.... Enjoy!]

 The way Churches deal with relationships annoys me
 I mean really annoys me.  To the point where, as a single guy, I at times considered walking away from the Church just because of this one issue.  It makes me want so badly to walk away from the Church because I can't stand having to deal with this issue.


Now don't get me wrong
Not every Church is as bad at this as some.  My Church today does a much better job of this than Churches I have gone to in the past but still this issue is present.  Like a sickness that is often missed or simply ignored.  It sits there just under our noses, begging to be understood and fixed but sitting there like nothing is happening.

The problem lies in the fact that we now view it as normal
Or maybe even worse we view it as right.  We think that there is nothing abnormal about this view point of relationships.  I mean why would we?  The Church, our go to for relationship advice, has been selling this view point since we graduated from High School and got to the age when getting married was possible.  So of course us Church goes have taken this view of relationships hook, line, AND sinker!

The view point is simple, and even if you're never thought of it this way its the truth
It simply says if you are single you have nothing to offer to married people because you just don't understand and they have moved past the point in their lives where you are able to be of any real value to them.   You think I'm over stating don't you?  Well think about it this way... When was the last time you saw a Church running a Single AND Married ministry???  When was the last time you saw a Church bring in a single person to talk to Married people about life???  It just doesn't happen!  Once you get to your twenty's you are expected to either be Married or be in a Singles ministry that is nothing more than a meat market to get you to Finally find your true love.

This view point also says something about Married people
It says simply that 'You now have arrived!' You have gone from being a single person who is just on earth looking for someone to Marry to a fully complete human being.  Don't believe me again???  How often do you see someone speak about the fact that the Bible talks about Singleness as a blessing (Yes!  You read that right, a BLESSING!!!!).  Rather whole sermon series spend time talking about how to have a 'Godly Marriage' never do we here people talk about that fact that a huge percent of the Bible was written by people who didn't get married, Think Paul and Jeremiah among others.

My point once again is we can do better
The Church as a whole can do a better job of harboring relationship between married people and single people because we all have something to offer to each others lives.  The Church can stop building programs that keep singles and marrieds from each other and get out of its own way to allow true community to happen.   


So here is what we can do
We, Married or Single, people can stop allowing are relationship status to define who we are and start looking to God to define who we are because the truth of the matter is God doesn't care if you are single, married, divorced, married with kids or single with kids, he simply wants all of you.  He wants you to find your identity in him and him alone.  God doesn't want to be your 'number one' he wants to be your everything.  So if you are single stop believing that that defines you. You are "The one Jesus Loves" (Brennan Manning) and if that becomes your identity that your relationship status doesn't really matter all that much.


I wish I could tell Married people what to do
But, as a single guy, I have yet to wrap my head around what it means to find your identity only in God and  yet have become one with another person.  Maybe some day I will be able to tell you what I think you should do but for now I can only say that God doesn't ask for Part of us he calls for ALL of us.
I can say that for you married folks please, I'm saying it again, go find some single people and invite them over for Dinner.  I promise you if you do they will love it because they will get to see what a healthy marriage looks like and I'm willing to bet you will get a lot out of them because us singles have a lot to offer to the world.

Finally 
I hope we all can struggle to find a way to live our relationships out in a way that God honoring and encouraging to the people around us.  My we find our identity only in Christ and never stop loving the people around us.

  
 

What you CAN'T let go of....

I've never been much of a pack rat
In fact I try my best to not hold on to stuff longer than it is useful in my life.  Old clothes that don't fit are pitched aside with out a seconds hesitation. Things that break I throw away, often, before I find out if they can be fixed.  Pictures of old events gone by have never even been my thing.  I live in the here and now and throw away anything that is not longer of use to me.

But I ask this question of myself
What is the one thing you CAN'T let go of? What is the thing that you hold on to no matter what? What is the thing that if it was broke you would keep just because?  What is it you CANNOT get out of your life?

Now at this point in my life I feel like I have given up quite a bit to follow God
I have passed on chasing after higher paying jobs in order to be able to serve God in other ways.  I spent quite a bit of money on hanging out with teenage kids in order to mentor them in their relationship with Jesus.  I have moved out of my home state, from a better paying job, to a place where I know almost no one and often feel totally lost as to what my next move is here in Michigan.  And this isn't taking into account that stuff that the world thinks I've given up.  Like sex, drugs, and rock n' roll (I still listen to and love rock n' roll so I didn't give that one up).

So why do I ask this question? 
The reason I think this question to be important is because I believe it is the question God asks of us.  At least in my life this for every time I get to the point where I think 'So God have I given you enough?' he says 'Not yet'.  And I think I have found that in my life he keeps asking me for the one thing I can't let go of.  It seems like God is out to make me see that he is really all that matters.

 Its like God looks me in the eyes and says 
"If all you have is me, if your whole world comes crashing down, and you're left with just me, no friends, no job, or money, or car, or house or....... Would I be enough for you?"  I believe God knows what is best for me and that because of this he keeps asking for a little more.  He wants me to see me depend on him just a little bit more.  He wants me to be just a little bit more commented to him. Because the reality is that God wants ALL OF ME.

Think about it in this way...
When you play on a sports team, lets say Basketball because I know that sport well, at the start of the season the coach hands you the playbook and there are maybe 2-4 plays in the playbook.  And at the start of the year he teaches you a zone defense which is a defense designed to give you less responsibility because just cover a zone not a man.  But as the season goes on he expects more.  He adds plays to the playbook and teaches you a man defense, which is the best defense because it requires that everyone know who they are covering and also knows that they are expected to help when someone gets beat, and just as you think you have it figured out he throws more at you more plays, a new way to play man to man defense.  And the coach just keeps asking for more because he wants you to be the best you can be.


This I believe is how God is with us
He wants the best out of us so he keeps asking for more.  And in due time he asks us all to find out what we can't give up and then he says "Okay, now give me that."  And because God loves you and is seeking the best for you he keeps asking for you to believe and become more depended on him.


So I ask again, and I ask myself as well, what is the thing you can't give up?  What are you holding on to that God is asking for you to give?  What is God asking for you to give up next?

Single People Bug Me!

Single Christians Bug me
Again don't get me wrong there are tons of single christian people that I love.  Most of my closest friends are single people.  I myself am single and therefore I spend a lot of time around single people.  But single Christians still bug me.  Because again singles can seemingly only talk about being single in two ways.  And are seemingly unable or unwilling to talk about in a way that isn't just an extreme to one side or the other.

Let's spend a few minutes looking at the two sides
On one side you have the people, once again, who can only talk about how horrible it is to be single.  You know these people.  The girl who is always talking about how much she wants kids and a husband even when shes around a bunch of guys who are clearly thinking 'Girl if your that desperate I do want anything to do with you!'  Now guys are maybe a little less vocal about their desire to not be single but its still there.  Think about the guy who in every conversation fits in the fact that they are single.  I always want to be like "Thats awesome bro that you are single but I just don't care." Every single person on earth is guilty of this at some point.  As a single person I apologize for acting like being single is painful sickness that I need to simply find a women to heal my problems.  Last I checked adding another life to my crazy life doesn't really seem to add up to an easier life but rather double the stuff to struggle through.
Next you've got the people who act like being single is the most amazing thing ever.  This is most often seen in men.  We sit there and so how awesome it is to be single "Man, I can do whatever I want whenever I want."  "Being single is awesome because I can date whoever I want." I can't say I know of any women who act like being single is great but if you know any let me know. But this is such a stupid thing to me.  I mean yeah I like being able to do what I want but I would trade all that for a girl who would love me in a heartbeat.

But there's more to it than that
Being single is not a sickness. According to scripture it is a blessing because it means I get to spend more time working for God's Kingdom come on earth.  Which is pretty awesome but I still would gladly give up this blessing to be married.

I guess what I'm getting at again is we can do better
Single people act like being single is great or horrible and married people do the same.  I just think we can do a better job of looking at the two.  They both have pros and cons.  I'm sure married people have times when the wish they were single and I know for damn sure that single people have times when they wish they were married.   So if you are married I challenge you to go found some single people and speak the truth about marriage with them.  Tell them about the ups and downs.  About how some days you don't want to be married and some days you can't think of ever being any where else.  And do your best to talk about marriage in a way that shows them how hard and amazing it is to be married because us single people need and want to know about that.

And if you are single
Go find some married people and learn from them.  Learn about how to be married and how hard and amazing it is to be married.  But also enjoy your time being single because once you get married its over, and for the rest of your life you have to think about another person.  Finally if you are single don't act like being single is amazing when you are around married people.  They were single once they get how awesome it is and how horrible it is being single.  Just can we all agree to just have real, open, and honest conversations about being single and married.  I believe we owe that to each other as Christian people to talk about something like this is an honest way.

Do you find yourself talking about Marriage or Singleness in a overly good or bad way?  If so what can you do gain a clearer understanding of the married or single life?        

Let's Risk the Ocean....

I have never lived close to the Ocean
but I've been to the ocean many times, well the beach anyways.  I mean I've gone swimming in the ocean, on both coasts of America, and I've even been out, a little ways anyways, on to the ocean on a sail boat.  I mean I know the ocean a little.  I have always had tons of fun when close to the ocean.  I fully plan on living at least some of my life close to the ocean.  I want to be able to learn how to surf before I am to old to even consider surfing. I want to be able to hang out on the beach whenever I want and just enjoy the sun.

But since I've never been out on the ocean I forget
I forget that the ocean is a scary place.  There are things about the ocean the frighten me.  Sharks, Stingrays, Waves and Current, to name a few, and like hell if I'm ever gonna head out to sea on a Shrimp boat like from those reality TV shows.  Because that isn't what I want.  I don't want the risk of the ocean I want the fun.  I want to be able to walk on the beach and enjoy the sunny days well only braving the ocean far enough out that I can still clearly see the shore, and the safety of land.  I sure never want to see the scary parts of the ocean, I mean come on I was meant for land not water.  The thought of not being able to see land scares me to no end, to the point of panic, because land is safety to me.  I know and understand land.  Its rare that, where I live anyways, earthquakes makes the ground move and swim around me.  Hurricanes by the time they get to where I live are nothing more than big thunderstorms.  Sure we deal with snow and cold, rain and wind, but I can always stay inside to avoid these things....

But on the Ocean risk is ever at your side
Everything you do is a risk.  Even on the nicest of days at sea (from what little I know about shipping) is a scary thing.  At anytime a large storm could pop up and send you into a life or death situation.  And any moment the calmness of the sea could change and your ship could be getting rocked by massive waves.  And at any moment you could fall of the ship and drowned before you ever see land again. And that is a scary thought.

But I believe we are called out to the sea
We are called to live an adventure not just a normal life.  We are called to step out on the ocean and live with our lives in God's hands trusting that he will keep us safe as the ocean around us rocks us to and fro.  But so often we walk the beach saying to God "I'm by the ocean, isn't that enough?"  And from time to time we dip our toe in the water and say "Look I got in to the sea!" And if we are really crazy we head out for a swim or even to surf some waves back toward dry ground and we say "Look how far I made it out to sea this time God!"

But God wants more
He doesn't just want me to get into the water he wants me to head out to sea, to the scary, panic inducing, none stop adventure of the ocean. He calls you to risk the ocean with him and be sure he will keep you safe.  But then just when you think "Okay God, I got this!" he says "Good, now jump out of the boat and trust that I will keep you safe."

Life with God is far from the beach
Sure he calls us back to the beach in the right time to rest and recover from the scars of our time at sea; but the beach is not where God wants us to live he wants us to live a great adventure with him that will surely involve risk, pain, and heartache but will also involve joy, peace, and fulfillment.... and most importantly Love and Grace.  Time to get off the beach!

 

Clockwork and calculation. Heartbeats and Handholds....

I fight a war inside myself everyday
I can easily look at the world from two very different perspectives and these two perspectives are opposing views of the world.  And so I fight these two viewpoints inside my brain every minute of everyday.  They war against each other with every thought that goes through my head. 


These two viewpoints can be boiled down to two pairs of words
Clockwork and Calculation and Heartbeats and Handholds.
On the one hand you have a cold and calculated view of the world.  And view that simply views the world as a risk-reward decision making process. Boiling the whole world down to nothing more than clockwork.  Taking the humanity out of the equation and viewing everything in a very simple decision making process.  In this viewpoint who you are and what you're going through but rather my brain simply looks at you and sees what I can gain or lose, or how it profits me, to help you or be your friend. 
The other viewpoint looks as you as a 100% human and looks not at how I can gain or lose but rather how I can be there for you.  I becomes all about being there to hold your hand when your heartbeats hurt. Its all about walking with you as the chaos goes on around us.


Now the hard part about this war
Is that I can't say I feel like either one needs to die.  I believe that as much as I see that being there for people is hugely important and that I should do everything I can to sit with people as they go through the ups and downs of life.  I understand and believe that love can never truly be love unless it goes through hell and comes back alive.  I understand that, as a Jesus Follower, I am called to love people and hurt with people in every situation.  I fully believe that Heartbeats and Handholds should be our first view of the world.  But I also believe that we must at times be able to remove ourselves from the emotion of a situation and be calculated.  I feel I owe it to the people around me to be able to at times make hard decisions that may hurt them and me.  The problem comes when I become cold and calculated out of my own insincerity and attempts to seem strong.  If that is why I view life as clockwork and calculation then I have missed the point of love.   

Married people bug me!

Married Christians annoy me!  

Don't get me wrong I love them and have some great friends who are married but they still annoy me, a lot.  The reason being it always seems like married Christians can only talk to singles about marriage in one of two ways... either they tell you how much it sucks or they tell you how amazing it is.  There never seems to be an in between.   

Let's unpack the two ways married people talk to singles about marriage.  

First they tell how much it sucks. For example I have a friend who says 'no one who doesn't have kids is allowed to be tired'  and I'm like 'hmmm last I checked I feel tired and I don't have kids?'. Or the husband who ALWAYS talks about his wife as 'the boss' or 'the ball and chain'.  I mean come on guys!!! We can do better than this! And women do this thing stuff!  like how some women Alway talk about there husband like he's a child... come on ladies that stopped being funny the first time you did it!  

Then there is the 'every thing about marriage is the most amazing thing ever!' people.  You know these people right?  The people who always act like your life has no meaning unless you are married because marriage is the pinnacle of life and that that is when life starts.   These people say stuff like 'oh you're such a nice guy you should get married!' Ummm Thanks!  Trying, its not that easy.  I mean I'm happy that God sent you an amazing person to live the rest of your life with but so far God's been blessing me with being single!

So whats the point of me writing this?

I'm not trying to sit here and hate on married people.  I really am happy for you that you found an amazing person to live you life with.  I just think you can do better.  I think married people can have better relationships with singles than I see so often inside the Church. I mean can we still be friends?  Can't you still be honest with me?  Or is marriage some kind of secret club that I can't join until I get married?  Can you not remember when you were single?

I guess all I'm asking for is a little understanding

And a little help and guidance.  I mean maybe some time you should tell me how you found your bride/husband.  Or tell me that marriage is hard but its all worth it because you are with your great love.  Just be honest with me.  Tell me the truth about marriage.  Don't act like because you found your great love that it is easy, trust me its not!  And finally please don't act like there is something wrong with me because I'm single.  The writer of most of the New Testament, Paul, was never married and he seem like he did some pretty great things.  Singleness is in fact a blessing because I get to spend more time serving God.  So finally please just be honest with me!  And understand my life is tough too just for different reasons.

(I know some great couples who are my friends and honest to me so don't think I'm talking about everyone but there have been times when I have had a hard time finding married couples who would be honest with me about the greatness and toughness of the married life and I believe we can all do better.)