Clockwork and calculation. Heartbeats and Handholds....

I fight a war inside myself everyday
I can easily look at the world from two very different perspectives and these two perspectives are opposing views of the world.  And so I fight these two viewpoints inside my brain every minute of everyday.  They war against each other with every thought that goes through my head. 


These two viewpoints can be boiled down to two pairs of words
Clockwork and Calculation and Heartbeats and Handholds.
On the one hand you have a cold and calculated view of the world.  And view that simply views the world as a risk-reward decision making process. Boiling the whole world down to nothing more than clockwork.  Taking the humanity out of the equation and viewing everything in a very simple decision making process.  In this viewpoint who you are and what you're going through but rather my brain simply looks at you and sees what I can gain or lose, or how it profits me, to help you or be your friend. 
The other viewpoint looks as you as a 100% human and looks not at how I can gain or lose but rather how I can be there for you.  I becomes all about being there to hold your hand when your heartbeats hurt. Its all about walking with you as the chaos goes on around us.


Now the hard part about this war
Is that I can't say I feel like either one needs to die.  I believe that as much as I see that being there for people is hugely important and that I should do everything I can to sit with people as they go through the ups and downs of life.  I understand and believe that love can never truly be love unless it goes through hell and comes back alive.  I understand that, as a Jesus Follower, I am called to love people and hurt with people in every situation.  I fully believe that Heartbeats and Handholds should be our first view of the world.  But I also believe that we must at times be able to remove ourselves from the emotion of a situation and be calculated.  I feel I owe it to the people around me to be able to at times make hard decisions that may hurt them and me.  The problem comes when I become cold and calculated out of my own insincerity and attempts to seem strong.  If that is why I view life as clockwork and calculation then I have missed the point of love.