{This is part two of an on going series about my Journey from High School to today. Post one can be read here. http://theidleassembly.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-you-need-faith-like-child.html}
( And I must be an acrobat ,To talk like this and act like that., And you can dream, so dream out loud, And don't let the bastards grind you down. U2)
It happened sometime in 2008. The exact day I cannot remember and don't really care too
This day was a day that changed my life forever. It was not a day of great tragedy, as we understand tragedy, but rather a day when something set in to my spirit that would forever change the course of my life. This day that I felt something leave me that remained lost for many years, and in some ways has never come back. It was on this day that, for the first time in my life, I was unable to find God at Church. I would go every Sunday and play guitar and talk to my friends. I would go every Wednesday and hang out with youth kids but I never met God at that Church after that day. I fact even now when I go visit I still feel like something is missing. Like the God I love has no desire to interact with me in that place.
So what happened? How did I stop experiencing God at Church?
The events that led me to this day started over a year before that day. They started in a small community college in Minnesota in a classroom of 20 people talking about Philosophy. For the months of that class I sat there as the only Christian and listened to the other people in the room openly blast Christians. I could not stand up for Christians because what they were saying was not wrong. In fact for the most part they were spot on. For the most part when they screamed about Christians being Anti-Gay and Pro-War they were speaking the truth, sure maybe they took it a step to far or stereotyped all Christians but even still they were often right about what they were saying.
And then I would go to Church on Sunday's hoping that these Christians would prove me wrong
Hoping they would show me that Christians are not all the bad things the world thinks. That in fact the people at this Church are better than that. But then I would sit there as people talk about Gay people like they are so much worse than you and me. And they would talk about being Pro-life while sitting there saying we need to go to war to protect the people of our country, America. And as this went a long I did what I had always known how to do I put on a face. I acted like everything was cool and I still loved Church well at the same time I told the Youth Pastor I couldn't teach any more, because I had no idea what I would say, and as I spent my free time racked with doubt about a God who's people clearly forgot to listen to the messages he was speaking.
So a few months later I moved from community college to a private Christian school
And was quickly kicked in the face with the reality that many Christians just don't know anything about the world outside the Church walls. And in fact, even worse, many Christians just don't care. It often seemed like the goal of these Christians was not to bring Jesus to the world but rather force the world live a Christian life (whatever that means?). And so I went to Church on Sundays, and Wednesdays, hoping to see Christians who really cared about the world and came up empty.
And then it happened, sometime after my summer internship and before Christmas break
It was that day when I just knew I NEVER wanted to be a Christian again. I didn't want a damn thing to do with people who stand up and shout about abortion being wrong and then turn around and yell for America to go to war. I no longer wanted anything to do with people who talk about the lesbian and gay community like they are the worst of sinners and never build a relationship with anyone who they believe is living a life of sin. And it was on that day that I stop finding God in Church....
And maybe it was that day that I lost my faith in the Church and maybe even in God
But I don't think so. I believe that was they day I lost my faith in Christians. That was the day I lost my faith in people who claim to have a hope in Jesus but talk about how the world is falling apart or how things were better in the 50's when this was a "Christian Nation". And sadly for me it was that day that I stopped finding God at Church.
Thankfully God has never cared much for staying in a man made building
And thankfully I was able to learn that the God I love is not a Republican, Anti-Abortion, Pro-War, Anti-Gay white male. In fact God is indeed Anti-Sin by he is also Pro-Love. I found out, in time, that the God I love would have loved a person long before telling them how to live their lives. I found out, in time, that God does not see sin the same way we do. I found out, in time, that God is Pro-life in the way that he wants EVERYONE to find life in him and therefore wants NO ONE to die before they find him, baby or warrior alike. And I also found out, in time, that God is not worried about the would living the way he wants us to but is rather longing for us to live in relationship with him. And, in time, I found a Church where I could meet God because I found out that God is happy to meet me where I am as I struggled with believing in the people of the Church. And finally, in time, I learned that God will meet me when I seek him no matter where I am and no matter how much I don't want to believe in his Bride, the Church, he still loves me and tells me to love myself as his Bride.
Have you ever lost faith in Christians? God? The Church?
I totally understand your feelings towards Christians. I have had experiences in my life when it was the Christian people in my church that have treated me the worst and I have had times when I am ready to be done with Christians completely. However, I think you and I both need to remember, that just because you are a Christian, that doesn't mean you are perfect and we are still human. People will ALWAYS let you down. I know that I am guilty of holding Christians to a possibly impossible standard. That's not fair either. No matter how many churches you attend in your lifetime, you will eventually become dissatisfied with the people and the church itself. That simply is the nature of being human.
ReplyDeletePerhaps we should not be quite so quick to judge and be so harsh to our fellow Christians. Is there hypocrisy happening all around us at church? Of course, but there is also hypocrisy happening in my and your life as well. I see it happening at my church and it frustrates me, but I also know that this group of people are earnestly trying to serve God and live lives that are pleasing to Him. Do we all fail in this pursuit, yes, but we are also called to put up with each other and love each other.
I, like you have had times when I want to wash my hands of the church and Christians, but then I remember that I fail; we all fail. My faith should not be placed in people or in a building, my faith needs to be rooted in God, the one person that will NEVER fail. Let's keep that perspective and not be so harsh and bitter towards our fellow Christians.
Hey thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me just say that you should keep reading as I post more in this series because I think some of your concerns may very well be answered as I go along. Please understand that I am writing my Journey not a finished project and where I ended this post was in a place where I was lacking faith in Christians. So please keep reading.
However there a a few things I would like to say here. First I must say that I do not think I was being overly harsh to Christians. In fact I believe that we do not hold ourselves, to a personal, high enough standard. We, often, do not push ourselves to see stuff in a new and deeper way. Second the problem with hypocrisy is not that it is there it is that people are, often, unwilling to say that they are hypocrites. It is that not the fact that we are imperfect that makes me mad at Christians at times. I respect and understand that we are all fallen. It is the people that act like they aren't that make me mad.
But most importantly keep reading because a part of the story does not tell the whole story. Thanks again for your thoughts.